Yes, Autism.

   Lukas had his assessment today to tell us where he is on the spectrum. We won't know the "results" until next week. This assessor was so much more warm, kid friendly, and aware of our emotions. If only she had been the first assessor! She agreed that Lukas is autistic and believes he will get that diagnosis anywhere we go. He was a lot more non-compliant this time and refused to do a lot of things he is totally capable of doing. As far as standardized tests go, what he did today is what he will be judged on the tests. For instance, he is awesome at stacking even the smallest blocks. He is usually above average for his age in fine motor skills. Today since he was non compliant he was rated as being slightly delayed because he FLAT OUT REFUSED to stack them and just threw them angrily.


   So another week of waiting and I almost rather not even hear the result. The assessor said she doesn't put a whole lot of weight in these standardized tests at this age. Whatever it says just goes by what he did today and of course, he was a total terror through the whole thing. Even a kid could get a severe rating and may be at a completely different place in 6 months.

  So what did we find out today?  That no test at age two really tells us a whole lot. That each kid, even kids on the spectrum, are complete individuals. There is no way to predict the future. Everyone agreed Lukas is getting a great foundation and that we are doing all the right things by starting services this early. We also know that his understanding is a lot more then anyone would realize as evidenced by being able to point out so many things on the Kindle. Show him a book and he "may" point out 1 or 2 things. Show him the Kindle and he can point out animals, birds by the type of bird, all kinds of food (even ones he has never eaten) and all kinds of different vehicles like tractors, planes, cars, trucks, bikes, wagons, etc.

  Am I OK? I guess I feel drained. It takes a lot out of you to sit through an assessment like that. I didn't cry this time, though. I wasn't shocked. Nothing came at me from left field. I do feel that same old feeling of wondering what it's like to have "normal" worries like being upset because your kid is grumpy, having tantrums, or didn't sleep well. I'm not complaining, just having a hard time relating to what other people think is "tough." I even want to slap myself across the face for some of the stupid things I have worried about in the past. True, no one knows how their child will turn out, but people who have a child with autism worry if their kid will ever be able to communicate. I mean, what would you do if you didn't know for sure if your child would ever be able to tell you they love you? How about if you didn't know if your child will be in a regular classroom or if kids will make fun of them? Ever hear of regression? It's when an autistic child LOSES skills they know. Lukas hasn't been saying a lot of his words this week and saying some wrong that he ALWAYS says right. What if he's regressing? For just awhile I ask my friends to give me a break. I love you all and I am SO proud of your children's achievements, all the cute things they do and say, but I can't handle it. Right now it's just a dirty reminder that we aren't the same. Yes, I have to get over it, but this is new and fresh and raw.

  In conclusion, it doesn't matter what the tests say. We didn't find out anything new and the future is a mystery. I still think Lukas will shock us all. I thank everyone who has stayed in contact with us and offered their prayers, love and support. It has helped me more then you will ever know. Now it's time to move foward.