A common quote that I often see floating around the autism community is, "It never gets easier, you just get better." I agree that I have gotten "better" at this and feel like I understand my son much more then I use to, but I still think Lukas has gotten easier to handle as he has gotten older. Is this the calm before the storm? Who knows? I know every child is different, including those with autism.
It's funny how some days I can worry so much and others I just know without a doubt that Lukas is going to continue with amazing progress. I feel the latter today. I love watching Lukas play on his Ipad and sometimes when he laughs he looks up at me to see my reaction. He never use to do this. I love that he can now pucker his lips to kiss me and even does it on command. For so long I would say, "Can I have a kiss?" and it did not register. Even a couple of months ago he would only kiss me when asked occassionally, but now he pretty much always does it. I love that he is getting upset when people come in the door and it's not Michael. He stands there and cries, "Dad! Dad!" It's sad, but awesome. My child who would point nothing out in books for me (one of the first things that I noticed he wasn't doing) can now point out numerous shapes, colors, some numbers, letters, and show me where things are on pages (if he feels up to it!) My child who would not help at all with dressing can pull up his pants and has shown great strides in OT with learning to help with dressing. My son can put a DVD in, close it up, and press play. My son who has always been good in stores, but IN the cart can now walk in the store holding my hand. Sure, he sometimes wants to try to take off or lay down on the floor and try to spin the wheels on the cart, but no biggie, right? I can handle this.
We DO have those hard days. We DO have some meltdowns. We have been through those nights where his mind is so active there isn't much sleep in the house, but the AMAZING outweighs the stressful and I work very hard to just go with the flow. I am so blessed to be home with him (except every other weekend.) It is true that mother's of special needs children work less then other moms. The world out there isn't accomodating to us. Daycare centers want kids potty trained by a typical age, they aren't trained to handle a child with special needs, etc. People don't "get it." Look, we aren't rich and I wouldn't trade "just getting by" for having more money with me working fulltime. Lukas needs me.
I have gotten more and more past the question of why and wondering what I may have done wrong. I really think the question of why can make a parent sick, but it comes down to this. There are gene mutations that are happening spontaneously and genetic doesn't mean hereditary. They have found hundreds of gene mutations and some think there are hundreds of types of autism. There are SO many THEORIES on different enviromental factors that may cause these mutations and no one thing could ever account for the numbers. Is it bad that as a parent I just don't care? I don't feel like walking for a cure or any of that. I understand if that is your thing, it's just not mine. Would I walk for acceptance? Yes. Would I walk for awareness? Yes. The rest I just leave to the scientists. If they don't know, how is it worth my time to sit an speculate? It's a waste of time.
Life goes on. I hold tight to the awesome and amazing and I forget the tough.
word
ReplyDelete