The R-Word or: At Least Four Things You Should Probably Never Say in Mixed Company

*Warning: The following article contains language that may be considered offensive. This article is intended for educational purposes and does not advocate that the inflammatory language contained herein be used in everyday conversation.

 

            Through my experiences I’ve found that more often than not, people use the word ‘retard’ so loosely and so frequently that one almost forgets the rancor that lies just below the surface. It is a word filled with hate and judgment. It is a word that cuts to the very core of anyone who has ever fought with a disability. It is a declaration of war for anyone who has ever been bullied or ridiculed. For the person saying it, it is often nothing more than a stock insult that is easily thrown about without much thought. For the person at the receiving end, it can be devastating. How two people engaged in such an altercation can derive two very different meanings from this word is not as complicated as it first appears. All you have to do is have a little empathy. I believe a short anecdote will illustrate my point:

 

Brad and Tom are playing basketball. Brad has a sister who has cerebral palsy. Brad loves his sister. Brad has had to defend her against hecklers and bullies for as long as he can remember. Tom does not know about Brad’s sister. Brad has just called a foul on Tom. Tom, believing the call is incorrect, tells Brad that he is “fucking retarded”. Brad is hurt.

 

This nonchalant put-down can be heard during countless interactions every day, especially between young men. It is used so frequently that it has entered our collective vocabulary. Some believe that this cavalier attitude towards the word has sucked the venom from it and left it merely playful and innocent. I aim to convince you otherwise.

            What do you hear when someone says the word ‘faggot’? I suppose it depends on who you are. If you’re a homosexual, you probably hear a hateful slur aimed at dehumanizing or emasculating you. You hear someone who has targeted you because of who they believe you to be, a stereotype, and not who you really are; an individual. If you’re a straight man, you probably hear a harmless jest. You hear manly banter designed to poke fun at someone with little to no regard of the group being maligned.

            What do you hear when someone calls you a Jew because of frugality? If you are actually Jewish you might hear three thousand years of anti-Semitism. You might hear the gates of Auschwitz closing heavy behind you. Or maybe you just hear someone whose ignorance or unfamiliarity with the Jewish people has left them believing the caricatures presented by Christian civilization. If you’re not Jewish, you probably simply hear a classless joke that you probably wouldn’t repeat around your kosher friends.

            What do you hear when someone says the word ‘nigger’. If you’re like most Americans, you probably cringe when even seeing in printed on paper. If you’re an African American, you probably hear the crash of waves against the hulls of the slave ships. You might hear the songs of your ancestors as they sweat in the cotton fields. You might hear the voice of your grandmother as she tells you stories of the 1950s when people like Strom Thurmond were not villains but public servants elected to protect the good people of this country from the rising tide of lazy Negroes.

            How do you feel? Are you uncomfortable? Do you squirm or fidget when you read these words? Would the word ‘retard’ offer you the same type of distressing anxiety if it were uttered? Some will argue the validity of comparing slurs like ‘faggot’ to a juvenile insult like ‘retard’. At their essence, though, they are the same. They both mean to marginalize a group of people. We have taken these people and turned them into a punch line. We are brought closer together when we push them further away from us. These minorities are the butts of our jokes. It’s funny because no one wants to be a nigger. No one wants to be a faggot. No one wants to be a retard. That’s why it’s funny. You are laughing, right?

            If we do ban the word, one could argue, it will simply be replaced with a different pejorative term. All you have to do is look at the etymology of the word ‘retard’ to understand that this is true. Mental retardation had three separate classifications before the early 20^th century. Those with profound mental retardation were referred to as ‘idiots’. Those with severe to moderate retardation were called ‘imbeciles,’ and those with mild mental retardation were called ‘morons’. These were the official medical terms used unanimously throughout the West. The term ‘retard’ slowly replaced these terms as they were deemed offensive. Of course by the 1960’s the term ‘retard’ had become just as offensive as the previous terminology. So whether you’re referred to as a “Mongoloid’ or a ‘retard’, it is the intent behind the word and not the word itself that truly deserves an energized revamping.

            Hate starts in the heart and in the mind, but until it reaches the lips it is almost undetectable. It hides in the shadows until you speak and all of your prejudice and malice spill out as freely as you let them. I advocate not to control anyone’s speech or to force their hand and control their thoughts, but to persuade their hearts. Our hearts influence our thoughts. Our thoughts influence our actions. Our actions have the power to make this place better than we found it or much, much worse. Besides, once you start dictating what people should think you start wading in some pretty murky water.

            Freedom of speech is not as all enveloping as some would have you believe. While I understand the desire to denounce the politically correct among us as uptight and unwavering (and without a sense of humor), I also understand that speech can sway people’s actions and those actions are not always polite. Speech can rile people into   frenzy. That’s why you can not instigate a riot. Speech can motivate people to kill, that’s why you can not commit conspiracy to murder. Speech can infringe on the rights of others, and that’s why hate speech is restricted by the federal government. Don’t be guided though, by the FCC. Be guided by plain moral decency. Do not let the government or the politically correct among us guide you. Let your heart guide you.

            Is it ok then to make a joke about people with disabilities if your heart’s in the right place? Ask comedian Anthony Jeselnik. For his hopefully short lived show on Comedy Central, he posted a picture of a girl with progeria side by side with a picture of Gollum. This girl has a disease that will eventually kill her and the joke is that she is as ugly as a creature from Lord of the Rings. Is it funny? It is specific. Any humorist knows there’s more gold in specificity than being broad and general. Let’s narrow it down then. Who is retarded? Are autistic people retarded? Are people with Aspergers retarded? Or are we strictly referring to folks with Down Syndrome? If it’s ok to make a Jew-joke around a bunch of Catholics, is it ever ok to make a joke about disabled people? With 1 in 50 kids now being diagnosed with ASD, the odds say you should probably keep your mouth shut.

            We are all bullies to a degree. I don’t say any of this under the illusion that I haven’t spoken these words myself at one point or another. I have had the opportunity though, to have my eyes opened wide. I know that I’ve said mean things. We all have said mean things. It’s human nature to hurt each other. We say things that devalue others in order to bolster our own poor self esteem. This is a false sense of satisfaction we get though when we hurt others. It is not real. It is not lasting. There are people out there who can be persuaded to open their hearts. There are those who will not be persuaded. To them I say: just as though you wouldn’t say the n-word around the Brooklyn Nets, you should probably check your surroundings before muttering the r-word. You never know when you’re in mixed company.