Coping

    People ask how I am doing. That's tough for me to answer because it changes from hour to hour. The first half of the day I feel empowered, accepting, and angry at the same time. I want to scream at anyone trying to catagorize Lukas and I'm almost proud that I have a child who's obviously not a "sheep" as I would have said in high school. So my kid is different? Good! The anger actually feels great to me. I prefer it to the hopeless, unbearable, mourning I feel the other half of the time.

     Anyone who knows me knows that I have always had struggles with anxiety and depression. I debated about even talking about this publicly, but what do I have to lose? Well friends, after many years of feeling "stable" I have been stumbling down into that pit again. If you have never dealt with true clinical depression, anxiety, or panic disorder, you don't get it. That's being blunt, but you don't. Even I, when I am feeling wonderful, will look at people who are hopelessly sad and wonder why in the hell they just can't snap out of it. It's because it's literally impossible. Some people are avidly against medication. I understand their opinion, respect it, but know that without medication, I would be bedridden, crying 24/7 and a terrible mother. I have to do all I can to be a good mother to Lukas and falling apart is something I can't let happen. So my meds have been adjusted. It has been almost 2 weeks and I feel sick, disconnected, crying still, so tired I don't know how I can make it through the day. No motivation to do anything. I know I am adjusting to the meds, but something needs to give. We go on vacation next Tuesday! I just want to feel like me again! The bad thing is that before I started the new med that was added on, I had zero appetite. I lost over 6 lbs in a week after the assessment that set this all into motion. Now with this new medication, I have this unnatural and enormous appetite. It's like nothing I have ever experienced. It's like if I can't get to food I am going to pass out or go crazy. I have lost a considerable amount of weight recently, and this is not helping at all. Not to mention it's annoying. I never wake up hungry in the morning. Now I am waking up from the intense gnawing in my stomach. Increased seretonin does increase appetite and I am sure this is what I am experiencing, but something has got to give. I have long known my medication has helped me gain a considerable amount of weight through the years, but this is worse! Still, if it helps me to feel happier, I'll take being a fat ass to being deppressed. That's been my theory for years.

   I am starting a positive journal today. I did it one day and it helped me considerably. I wrote down all the positive things and "non-autistic" things Lukas did for a whole day. It really helped me and made me see how many great things are going on with Lukas. So far today I feel relatively decent. My little boy is sitting next to me and just looked at me directly in the eyes. Yes, in the eyes. He babbled something that isn't true words, but I felt love spilling out from him. A total magnetic connection. My son needs me and we will make it through this.